Today marks one year since I was diagnosed with cancer. One whole year. Even though it has quite often felt like I've been dealing with this cancer diagnosis and treatment for 10 years, this last year has gone relatively quickly. And this week, this day, has really snuck up on me, like a sneaky little ninja and has put all emotions and feelings on high alert. Although it has been a year, and a lot has happened in that year, I remember everything that happened on this day, and the month leading up to it as if it happened only yesterday. While I have spent that last few days/week reflecting and thinking about the "what ifs", I realised I have never actually shared how I was diagnosed. So here it goes....
"Its Cancer"
For those that know me, know that I have a pretty serious back condition which sometimes requires pain medication to manage it. Towards the end of January last year, I ended up at the Wellington Hospital A&E, barely able to walk and in a lot of pain. X-rays were taken to make sure my back hadn't deteriorated and other tests were done and I was sent home with a pretty good array of pain medication. The pain meds were working wonders and I was feeling back to my old self. But after about a month, I noticed I was getting low on my meds and I made an appointment with my GP to get some more. At the appointment she mentioned that one of the meds, a muscle relaxant called Norflex, can cause some liver issues so we decided it was better to be safe than sorry and she ordered some liver function tests. Not that she thought anything was wrong, she was just being cautious. A few days later, I get a phone call from my GP. The tests have come back pretty abnormal and she advises we wait a month, I either come off the muscle relaxants completely or limit them to once a day and we see what happens. A month comes, I get my next lot of liver function tests and head home to Paeroa to spend the week with my Mumma. While home, I find out that those tests have come back even more abnormal than the first lot and I'm told to make an appointment with my GP for when I'm back in Wellington. So I booked that appointment for the 17th of April, a Tuesday and asked my wonderful friend Brydie if she can come with me, just in case the news isn't good.
The month between the first liver test and the second, I started noticing that there was definitely something wrong with me. I wasn't really eating and when I did eat, it was the size of a meal that a 3 year old would have. I had vomited a few times, had lost an incredible amount of weight without even realising or actively trying to lose weight. I was tired all the time, had a lot of pain in area where my liver is, had some bowel changes but all the pain meds explained that. I was dying and didn't even know it. Then came the jokes.. "you probably need a new liver", "need anything from the supermarket? I'll pick you up a new liver", "I should probably find someone to donate me a liver", "I've probably got cancer", "if I die, you have to turn up to my funeral in full black and wail and scream about how much you miss me". Little did I know.....
So I go to my appointment, we discuss the tests, the symptoms I had noticed and my GP thought I may have gall stones in my liver and ordered a full blood count test and an ultrasound. I had the blood test that afternoon and arranged for the ultrasound for the next day (Wednesday) and booked an appointment to discuss the results with my GP for the Thursday (19th). Thursday the 19th started off as any normal day. I started work at 8am and by about 9:30, my GP had called and left a pretty calm message asking me to call her back before our appointment that afternoon. The message didn't seem urgent so I decided to call back when I had more time and continued with my massive case load. At about 12pm I finally had a spare couple of minutes to call my GP back. And that is when the day started going down hill. She told me they had found something on the ultrasound and I needed to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I freaked out, called Mumma crying, cried to one of my work friends, let my manager know I was leaving and asked Brydie and Jake to come to the hospital with me. I got to the hospital and no-one really said anything to me. Another massive load of blood tests was done, I was hooked up to IV fluids and left to my own devices for a few hours. A surgeon finally came to talk to me around about 5-5:30pm and said he had been expecting me all day. And then he shattered my world. "A mass was found on your ultrasound and I'm sorry to say but its cancer". I needed a CT scan done to 100% confirm it but because it was so late in the day I wasn't able to have it done. I was booked in for the 24th which was only a few days later. The CT scan confirmed it was cancer, but also confirmed that it was actually Bowel Cancer, that had spread to my liver and lung and all that could be done for me was palliative chemotherapy to give me "more time". I was then left to deal with the fact that I was now a cancer patient. But how are you supposed to deal with something like that? How do you tell people that you have cancer and could die? How are you supposed to go on with life when you don't know how long you'll have a life for? But I did it, I dealt with it (sort of), I tried to continue on with my life (sort of) and here a I am, a year later and still fighting.
"What Now?"
Life now is a cabinet specifically for all my medications that helps me to function like a normal human being. There are five different pain medications, five different anti-nausea medications, sleeping tablets and other miscellaneous medications. But no antibiotics (high five) and no immunity booster injections (high five) so I'm kinda winning at life. Life now is constantly having a low white blood cell count, chemo destroying my bone marrow and randomly bleeding because my blood can't clot due to low platelets. Life now is being covered in scars and wondering how much more stress and trauma I can put my body through. Life now is being in pain from my head to my toes and feeling like a 90 year old woman in a 26 year old body. Life now is being scared when a new symptom appears and worrying that the cancer has spread. Life now is knowing that the headaches, sensitivity to light and sound, blurred vision and mood changes could indicate brain cancer. Life now is lying in a CT scan having a brain scan and wondering what is going to happen next. Life now is being told that after months of chemo and some radiation that nothing has changed and that the cancer in my lung has actually gotten bigger. Life now is knowing that the chemo is losing its momentum and that surgery is the only way to make sure we get rid of all the cancer. Life now is preparing for two major surgeries to happen within weeks of each other. Life now is wondering what life after cancer will look like. Life now is being in a constant state of anxiety, worry, being scared and wondering what is next. What news am I going to be hit with now. What is next?
This is my new normal. This is my life now. This is what I go through every day. This is what a year after a cancer diagnosis looks like...
