I've had enough, now I want my share
Can't you see, I want to live
But you just take more than you give - Shannon Noll
Sometimes life just isn't fair and it doesn't go the way you want or need it to. Sometimes things look like they are getting better and a rainbow can be seen past the rain, but then the rain just keeps on falling and that rainbow goes away. These last few months have been a heck of a challenge for me and I thought things were on the up, but as I mentioned, life doesn't always go the way you want it.
Surgery and then another Surgery
If you remember from my last blog post, I got the news that chemo was loosing its momentum and I would need another couple of surgeries to remove the cancer in my bowel and lung. In Dr Kennedy's opinion, it was the only way to completely get rid of the cancer. So we agreed that this was the next course of action, and once the surgeries were over, I would undergo 6 'clean-up' chemo cycles and by the end of September I would be getting the all clear!
At the start of May, I underwent my big bowel surgery. What was supposed to be a 4-5 hour surgery ended up being 8 and a half hours, and almost put my mother in hospital for a heart attack. My surgeon was a miracle worker, he made an impossible surgery possible and even used me to brag about how amazing he is. I came out of surgery with a massive drain sticking out of my stomach to drain blood or anything else. Old Bert as I called him, was a pain in the ass, was bigger than expected and had to be carried everywhere I went. The drain was taken out after a few days, with no pain meds I might add. The nurse pulled and pulled and I swear there was about 20 meters of drain inside of me. My heart started playing up so I spent a couple of extra days in hospital before they finally let me out. I was all prepared to go back under the knife in two weeks for my lung surgery but this didn't go to plan. I waited well over a month for my lung surgery and finally went under the knife in the middle of June.
I thought this would be the easiest surgery. Only an hour or two on the table, then recover for a day or two and then off home. Oh boy was I wrong... Again I came out of surgery with a massive drain in my chest which made breathing, laughing and sleeping pretty bloody difficult. This was used to drain out blood and air from my chest cavity. But every time it looked like it could come out, the drain would start to bubble, meaning it was still draining air out of my chest. I was placed on the cardiothoracic ward, with a bunch of old people and told to just deal with it. I was sent home after a few days and recovered nicely at home with a nice big scar under my arm. After two weeks, I was started back up on my 'clean-up' chemo with the knowledge that it would only be 6 cycles and thing whole nightmare would be over with...
Tiana, I am So Sorry
After 3 cycles of 'clean-up' chemo, my body had just had enough. I was tired, my body was sore and it was taking longer and longer for me to recover from the chemo. One of my fortnightly blood tests came back indicating that something was wrong with my liver. Dr Kennedy was concerned, so we opted not to have chemo that week and instead brought forward my final CT scan to see what was going on. My liver was fine, the chemo was just messing with it a bit, so I decided that I was done with chemo. I had discussed it with one of my nurses and she agreed that it was time and I had done well and she said she would speak to Dr Kennedy. I just wanted time to recover and to start getting my life back on track and to put all of this behind me. But cancer had other plans..
I was asked to go in and see Dr Kennedy early one Thursday morning. I just knew that something was wrong, that this was more than just talking about me stopping chemo. And I knew as soon as I saw him that things weren't good. He sat me down and explained that while my liver looked good, my lungs weren't looking to good. I had four new lesions in my lungs, which weren't operable or cureable. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. Mumma and I were in complete shock. We talked about next steps, but honestly this went in one ear and quickly came out of the other. Really my only option is to change the chemo regimen and hope that the new regimen "controls" the cancer. There is another chemo option, but unfortunately this medication is not funded by the government or Pharmac and costs thousands of dollars every month, so its quite a bit out of our reach. So the plan is, two chemo cycles, then a CT scan to check progress. So long as the chemo works, we keep going forward with it. But what happens when the chemo stops working? What do we do then?
So now I'm living in limbo. I've had a month break from chemo to give my liver some time to heal. I had a week away in Auckland for uni which took my mind off everything. I've just had my first cycle of the new chemo. Its still the same process, just one of the medications is different. I'm feeling okay, pretty tired, a little bit sick but no pins and needles in my hands or feet. I'm trying to be positive but that's a little hard right now. I'm scared and I'm angry and constantly worried about what next. It isn't fair, I've had enough and I just want to live...
What About Me.....?
