The Champion

I am invincible, unbreakable
Unstoppable, unshakeable
They knock me down, I get up again
I am the champion
You're gonna know my name
You can't hurt me now
I can't feel the pain
I was made for this, yeah, I was born to win
I am the champion - Carrie Underwood feat. Ludacris

Today was a big day. Today was an important day. Today was the day that I found out whether or not the chemo is working. Today was the day that I had been preparing myself for, for the last month. It was a day that most people will never have to experience but I did. 

"SCANXIETY".

If you've never experienced anxiety before, waiting for a CT scan and the results of that scan will ensure anxiety symptoms pop up. This last month has seen my anxiety levels skyrocket. It's something that other cancer patients have described as SCANXIETY - anxiety experienced due to an upcoming scan to determine whether treatment is working. Today was supposed to have happened two weeks ago on the 12th of July but due to the nurses strike (which I wholeheartedly support - nurses are amazing people) the scan and appointment didn't happen. Pushing this day back was annoying and stressful but it allowed me to be even more prepared for the news. 

When I first met with my amazing oncologist Dr Kennedy, he explained the situations we could be in. He painted this picture: we have 100 people who have the exact same diagnosis as me and receiving the same chemotherapy. For 25 of that 100, the chemo would not work at all - no shrinkage of the cancer and maybe new cancer growth. For another 25, the chemo would sort of work - maybe a small amount of shrinkage of the cancer or it keeps the cancer stable. For the remaining 50, the chemo would work great - good amounts of shrinkage. I hoped I would be in either group of people where the chemo is working. But I was prepared for the worst news possible - that chemo is not working and maybe more cancer has popped up. My anxiety was at an all time high while I was sitting in that waiting room. The CT scan was easy but waiting for the results was the hard part. In cases like mine, you prepare for the worst, but hope like hell for the best.

"Your scans are even better than what I expected".

He said the words that I never thought I would hear. MY CANCER IS SHRINKING!!!!! And its not shrinking just a little bit, chemo has significantly decreased the size of the tumours. The chemo is working and its working even better than what Dr Kennedy expected it to. You cant even begin to imagine how I felt in that moment. I was elated, relieved, surprised, shocked, but above all grateful and happy. This result makes all the needles, the chemo, the side effects of chemo, the long days spent at the hospital and the constant blood tests worth it. It means that everything that I am doing, that Dr Kennedy is doing, that my nurses are doing, that my family and friends are doing is making a difference and is giving me the best chance at survival. I am unbreakable and I am a champion. And I will beat this.

This has also opened up the doors to surgery. Due to the significant shrinkage of the tumours in my liver, surgery is more than just an option. It is happening. The surgeon will be removing the cancer from my liver and leaving me with enough liver to function while it regenerates itself. This surgery is also giving me the best chance at survival and as much as the idea of a massive surgery scares me, I am so lucky that it is happening. I meet with the anaesthetist tomorrow and the surgeon next Tuesday and then surgery will be officially booked in and is likely to happen within the next two weeks. Another piece of good news - my PICC line is going to be taken out and a Portacath will be put in while I have the liver surgery. A portacath is an implanted IV device which sits under the skin just below the collarbone. It can be accessed for chemo and means I will not have to worry about dressing changes (especially since I'm allergic to all the dressings they use), line infections, or having to cover it when showering or swimming. It is going to make life so much easier. Its the little things in life! And I am so grateful for these little things. I'm so grateful that my treatment plan is working and that my body is doing exactly what it should. 

While today was an extremely long and tiring day, it was also a good day. And I will take as many good days as I can get. The cancer diagnosis completely knocked me off my feet but I got up and I'm a fighter. I know now that I am unstoppable. I was born a winner and I will beat this. 

I am a CHAMPION!!!

It's My Life

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life – Bon Jovi

When you've been told that you have a life threatening disease, its easy to forget that you still have a life to live. Everything starts to resolve around the cancer and you forget that you are still a person and not a walking statistic.

"With the surgery, I can give you two or three years".

A few weeks ago, I had a pretty shitty appointment with a surgeon. From the moment I was diagnosed I was told that surgery was not an option and chemo was all we could do. But now, a surgeon has looked at my scans and decided that surgery on my liver is a possibility. The appointment was to discuss the surgery, what it would involve, recovery time etc and to meet the surgeon. However, that's not really what happened. Rather than focus on the surgery, the surgeon decided to tell me how long I would live with and without the surgery based on his "expert opinion". Finding out I could be having surgery was a shock, but also being given a timeline just made the entire appointment worse. My oncologist hasn't even told me this as he doesn't know and wouldn't want to give me false hope. So how could this surgeon possibly know something that my oncologist doesn't and why did he feel the need to throw me in the deep end without some floaties? I'm only at the beginning of my treatment so hearing this news has really thrown me.

The news really affected me and I wallowed in my self-pity for a few days before I remembered that I still have a life to live. I'm not going to life forever, no-one is, so I might as well get off my pity train and live my life, and live it my way. 

A few days after this appointment, my amazing friend Ellie came over from Sydney and kept me distracted for a few days. It was so refreshing to get out of the house, and not for another hospital appointment, but to actually do something for me. I spent too much money shopping (face palm), had a relaxing spa, which helped with the aches and pains from chemo, and just generally enjoyed being ME again. So to Ellie, thank you for visiting and keeping me distracted, thank you for letting me be me again and thank you for being you! I also went to the pub with my crazy family. I played pool, which I'm not very good at, I had a few drinks, laughed, danced, sang and watched my mama sing and dance (slightly embarrassing). These few days weren't about the cancer, it was about me enjoying my life with friends and my weird family. For the first time since I was diagnosed, I didn't feel like the girl with cancer...

Yes I'm sick but that doesn't mean I have to live my life as a sick person. My life does not have to resolve around cancer and it doesn't have to define me. I don't have to live as the girl with cancer, I can just be Tiana. So whether I only have 3 years or 60 years to live, I'm going to live my life and do the things that I want to do.

"I Refuse to Sink".

I refuse to be defined by my cancer. I refuse to let the cancer control my life. I refuse to live my life as a cancer patient. And I refuse to let the cancer beat me. This is why I got this tattoo. I want everyone to know that I REFUSE TO SINK. I'm going to live my best life, whether that means getting tattoos or going bungy jumping, but I'm going to do what I want, when I want and it'll all be for me. It's taken some time for me to realise that I can have cancer and still be myself, and that I can live my life the best way I can. So I'm going to come up with a list, a Bucket List if you will, of things that I want to do, things I want to see and I plan on ticking each one of these things off. At the end of my life I want to be able to say that I did it, and I did it my way. 

This is my one and only life, and it's now or never. I just want to live while I'm alive.